i'm Talkathon

I'm weirdly calm.

I am staring down a month long self-inflicted TALKATHON, in which I will be deconstructing my inner self down to the studs in front of the entire internet, and I'm.... calm.

No, never mind. It's actually panic.

OMG

I'm dug in for the long haul. Frozen pizzas? Check. Potato chips? Check. Strong, strong coffee? Check and check.

My current chair is a bummer. It does things to my back that makes me not want to have a back. So I avoid it.

Good rule of thumb here: if you live by yourself and you have a piece of furniture you actively avoid, you should get rid of that piece of furniture. Because avoided furniture is really just ugly sculpture.

Anyway. I'm going to be sitting. I want to feel support, yet I want a certain airiness, a modicum of breathability.

This is going to be my nest for a month, after all.

It should also manage not to smell after extended use.

Any ideas?

I've had a lot of conversations with myself, so to speak, in the lead up to the big Talkathon. They go kind of like this. (Note: it's me talking to me.)

ME: Snap out of it, Parker. This is going to be great! You have a new keyboard, and I bet dollars to soy dogs you're ALREADY getting a karmic boost just by INTENDING to do this thing.

ME: I don't think it works like that, Parker. Who's keeping tally?

ME: The Universe.

ME: The Universe is tracking my good deeds?

ME: Yes.

ME: But the Universe is mostly an indifferent frigid vacuum of endless night. 

ME: True.

That's as far as I/we have gotten. I/we make a really convincing point.

I thought it'd be smart to create some of my own acronyms, because if this is going to be my primary way of communicating, I'll need a shorthand. So far I'm thinking of these:

IMH - I am hungry

HTGTB - Have to go to the bathroom

BIA - butt is asleep

IMHXSTNTLDLMA - Having an existential dilemma

H5! -High-five!

BKBP - Big karmic brownie points!

WTCTWM! - Way to change the world, man!

SFC - Severe finger cramps

NMC - Need more coffee

SBBRB - shower break; be right back

Anyway, I could go on and on. I welcome your suggestions.

If I’m going to do this, I realize I need to be primed, pumped-up, prepared. A virtual e-mailing and IMing machine. So I’m brushing up on my acronyms. (Well, “cramming.”) So far I’m through the F’s Hope to master the rest of the alphabet before next Monday. Wish me luck.

AAMOF - As a matter of fact

AFAIK - As far as I know

AFK - Away from keyboard

AKA - Also known as

ASAP - As soon as possible

A/S/L - Age/sex/location

ATM - At the moment

ATYS - Anything you say

AWA - As well as

B4 - Before

B/C - Because

BF - Boyfriend

BRB - Be right back

BTDT - Been there, done that

BTW - By the way

CMIIW - Correct me if I'm wrong

CUL - Catch you later

CU - See you

CUS - See you soon

CWOT - Complete waste of time

DBA - Doing business as

DIY - Do it yourself

DL - Download

DUCWIM - Do you see what I mean?

EG - Evil grin (expression)

EOD - End of discussion

EOR - End of rant (statement)

F2F - Face to face

FAQ - Frequently asked questions

FCOL - For crying out loud

FITB - Fill in the blank

FITB for this sentence

FWIW - For what it's worth

FYEO - For your eyes only

FYI - For your information

Is there anybody out there?

My life to date hasn't been too typing-oriented. I'm not some militant anti-typist maniac. Sure, I'll type. But I take notes on paper, too. Mostly depends on the situation, you know? The vibe.

Want to know something weird? My printing is horrible and my cursive is quite special. I especially like the capital "Q" -so many ways you can attack that one.

Anyway. Digressing!

So I was talking about my ambivalence about typing. Basically I’ve let my keyboard at home go. It’s missing a return key. And since I’m going to be typing for the next month, I figured I’d treat myself to a new keyboard.

Nothing crazy, no ninja styling or vaguely sensual wrist-twisters. Just something clean and comfortable, with Q top left and M bottom right.

So I rode my bike into town (bicycling = good karma) to the computer store. At first the gal at the store tried to sell me this ergonomic beast that looked like a wireless yam. I explained my 30-day self-imposed talkathon to her, and asked “Got any monk-like keyboards?

She thought for a second. And she looked up suddenly. “Wait here,” she said. And she came back with a plain, rugged slab of industrial keyboard. It was perfect. She understood.

“You’re going to need keys that can handle CONSTANT PERCUSSIVE ACTION,” she said.

So I bought it. And the keys CAN handle it. They feel like Mah Jong tiles on shock absorbers.

Yes! I’m going to do some good.

Here's a breakdown of the causes the i'm Initiative helps out. The plan is to work through all the causes during the talkathon and spread the Karmic fruits of my keyboard frenzy.  

(DRUM ROLL PLEEZE.....)                                       

The causes are:

AMERICAN RED CROSS!!!

BOYS & GIRLS CLUBS of AMERICA!!!!

NATIONAL AIDS FUND!!!

THE HUMANE SOCIETY OF THE UNITED STATES!!!

NINEMILLION.ORG!!!

NATIONAL MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS SOCIETY!!!

SIERRA CLUB!!!

UNICEF!!!

STOPGLOBALWARMING.ORG!!!

SUSAN G. KOMEN FOR THE CURE!!!  

So you've got your people, your animals, your Earth. That's a pretty good karmic palette, if you ask me. 

Now, here's the deal. I'm guessing you might have some Karmic maintenance to get done. Why not sign up for the i'm Initiative? Give your Karma a little rinse. 

Hey, if you're Instant Messaging already, you might as well make it count, you know?

Did that come off bossy? Because I'm not trying to be bossy.